Category Archives: Windows

Windows

If Microsoft made cars

I saw Daylen’s recent Twitter update on an article called “If Microsoft made toasters.” That led me to wonder: If Microsoft bought Ford out of bankruptcy and then merged with Ford, what would the future Ford cars be like? This is what it would be like:

  • For no reason at all, your car would crash. Twice a day, during rush hour traffic.

  • When you crash twice a day, the airbag would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.

  • Every time they repainted the lines on the highway or made a new road, you would have to buy a new car to travel on those roads.

  • Every week, your Microford car’s engine would cut out for no reason. You would have to put your car into neutral, push it to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut the engine off, restart it, and reopen all the windows to continue driving. You just had to learn to live with it.

  • Sometimes, executing a complex maneuver such as backing out of a parking space, letting another driver drive your car, or saying the word “Cupertino” would cause your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

  • Apple would make a car that is powered by the sun, five times as fast, reliable all the time, and easy to drive, but it would only run 10 percent of roads and cost a lot more.

  • All of the lights (change oil, check engine, check temperature, etc.) would be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” light, leaving you, the driver, to figure out what went wrong.

  • Sometimes, especially when you are forced to use an accessory called “Microford Genuine Advantage,” your car would lock you out, even if you had the 25-prong key. To get back in, you would have to put the key under one of the front wheels, lift the door handle, grab the radio antenna, and touch two tires (simultaneously).

  • Every time a new car is introduced, you have to learn how to drive again.

  • You need to press the “Start” button to turn the car off.